Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Last night Asia couldn't sleep so I spooned with her. But five year olds (she's five now) don't get the concept of spooning so she kept splaying her arms and legs.
I digress.
I wish all the music I had on my computer wasn't so melancholy.
Rachel you need to go with what consumes you the most not what someone else says you should do. You have to do what you love the most. That's why I'm going with the photog and not writing or whatever because I love photography more than anything else. It's managed to work itself into almost all the elements of my life. School, work, home. I can't get away from it and I'm always thinking about some picture I could take or some technique I could try. I have an entire set of shelfs in my room to devoted to all the photo books I own and my binders of negs and slides. I see the same thing going on with you with your numerous sketchbooks and simple excitment over art supplies. I get that way over the smell of film and fixer. I love the way fixer stays on my hands even hours after I've worked with it.
Watching the kidlets play soccer yesterday it struck me how innocent they are. They have no idea about the shit that's going down in the world today. They don't know about rape or FGM or all the horrible things that can happen to a loved one. Things like dying in a car crash or being beaten to death. War doesn't show up on the radar. The world is only full of good things. Sadly, personally, I had to find out that bad things happen to good people at age seven. I never, ever want that to happen to Asia or any little girl or boy. It's not fucking fair. There are little kids in Iraq who are sitting in the middle of a war and they are wondering why when there are no answers. There are tiny kids in Africa who don't have parents. There are little girls who are going to get their private parts cut out because that is what local custom dictates, that the female sex organ is dirty. They will not have pain medication or clean instruments. They will scream and kick and be held down while someone cuts away their innocence. AND THAT'S NOT FAIR. How is it ever fair for someone to feel bad for things they've said? Not out of malice, but out of jest.
God, it's thinking about all that makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up. I bet some of you would like that.
If I was all powerful I would take away pain and war and suffering and sadness. No one would ever have to feel bad. No little girl would ever be scared. Children are sacred. They are the future and the world they are growing up is taking a shit on them. They will be hardened.

"The only thing worse than bad memories is no memories at all." - the Dismemberment Plan

I hate people who make me feel bad about myself.

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