Dear Rene Zelwegger,
I want to love you. I think we could be best friends. I loved you in Bridget Jones and Empire Records and Cinderella Man. Fabulous roles! And Cold Mountain? Girl, that Oscar was well deserved. It might be safe to say that you could be my favorite actress. Could. You see, Rene, my friends and I, we eat. If we were friends, I would take you to Nick Tahou's or Henrietta Hots and we would devour garbage plates and roadie plates. Because we would be stinking drunk and have the drunkchies. Because that's what friends do. But Rene! I am afraid for you. What if we hugged and I broke you? I would have broken my friend! Oh no! I want you to eat Rene. And gain about 10 pounds. You will look so hot. Then we could be friends! But I know you'll charm we anyway with your next movie role. You always do. But don't think you'll get away without eating.
Love,
Mary